Unhelping Around the Home

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Exhibit A

For years I have thought of karma as God’s sense of humor.  It now seems to me that my kids are also in on the joke.  Check out these pants.  Do I respect the efficiency of fusing your pants and underoos into one removable set like a human banana peel?  Oh yes.  Do I also respect the fact that collections of said sets are left hidden amongst the balled up dirty socks?  Oh no.

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I agree that it can be annoying to try to figure out what to do with that one ever-present sock that continues to reappear but never seems to have a match.  Again, high-five on your creativity.  However I feel like there could be better options for this sock that don’t involve the silverware drawer.  Maybe you could put it in the clothing drawer dedicated to lonely singles of the sock world?  Yes – I have that drawer and yes the other sock was in it.

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I get it.  I said “use a chip clip on the bag after you finish eating” when I should have said “don’t do that utterly ridiculous thing you know not to do because we have discussed it repeatedly and you keep ruining our food.”  My bad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This is a shout out to the spouses of the world.  I discovered this stale cracker crime scene one day too late.  Thanks so much babe for helping scientists of the world confirm that the inability to correctly utilize a chip clip is in fact dominant in human genome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ok so you did blow your nose per my request.  But there’s this very small part of me that feels that perhaps – and to be clear, I’m no expert here – just maybe you could have opted for a couple less squares of TP??

 

 

 

unhelp

Your unhelp with regard to feeding the dog has not gone unnoticed.  With that said, I would like to mention that we typically put the food in the actual dog bowl as well as the actual dog mouth.  We also give her actual dog food.  Beyond that, I think you did it just right.

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As we all have moments of noteworthy unhelpfulness, I wanted to wrap this up with one last pic that involved the whole family – yours truly included.  I would love to tell you that this was staged, but this work of art was totally legit.  We had fallen into (and tripped over) this ridiculous collection many times.  Every shoe size living in this house was represented in varying degrees in this mountain of footwear.  How could my OCD have failed me so deeply and allowed it to occur?  If you look in the background, you will notice the real bonus of this pic.  There are TWO shoe racks in the background and both have space.  Since the time of this photo (taken a few months ago), I have added more shoe racks combined with an exponential increase in meltdowns on my part.  Amazingly the problem has been mostly resolved.

Please hear me on this because it only works if you apply both parts of the technique.  You cannot just rely on shoe racks.  A constant reinforcement of the mommy meltdown plus the addition of too many shoe racks to justify any further excuses is the best way to achieve any level of shoe organization.  To expedite the process, I suggest integrating disappearing Xbox remotes and the refusal to make cookies.  This works on a personal level as well because you create an inner sense of guilt that is akin to “Oh crapola.  I want to leave my shoes here but I have to pick the damn things up since I just hollered at everyone for leaving theirs in the same spot.  Plus I want cookies.”  This is the only scenario I seem to have addressed with any level of effectiveness.  The others continue to be shining examples of the countless ways unhelp is incorporated into our daily lives.

If you are needing tips on how you can learn to unhelp more around your own home, I strongly recommend that you ask your kids for actual help.  It sounds counter-intuitive, but I can assure you that this is the fastest way to witness optimal unhelping techniques.  Spouses and partners are also great teachers in this department, but don’t be afraid to look in the mirror either.  You, too, have the power to sabotage food storage, house cleanliness, and the general basics of staying organized.  If you can recognize the mere seconds it would take to do the job right, and then do absolutely nothing with them instead, you will be well on your way.  Best of luck.

Mother’s Day – A Day of Relaxation (Unless Of Course You’re an Actual Mother)

You Kids Better Run

Although I believe that all sentences have power, few can really encompass the energy level of the combination of the following words: “Why did you leave the kids alone with paint???” Well few sentences except the following: “I didn’t give them paint. What in the world are you talking about???” And then the story begins to unfold…

It was a lovely late summer morning. We could even say it was this morning (because it was). Our family had just finished breakfast when the kids decided to head outdoors to play. As we have a large gate enclosing the driveway area, we felt comfortable letting them play out there without our supervision (and of course, that always ends well). It’s not hard to hear them from inside the house so we can usually gauge if things are starting to get too rowdy. Usually…

My husband was upstairs working on the computer and I was taking it easy reading a book. What a nice carefree morning we were having. However it soon became apparent that we were the only individuals in the family taking it easy. Our kids were hard at work developing their art supply scavenging and application skills. To be clear, I still don’t know where they found a stockpile of easy to use PERMANENT paint, but find it they did!

As my children had time to transform the exterior of our home into a full art show, I wonder how long I had disappeared into that book. Apparently I fell into a time space continuum of sorts because I can’t fathom how they could have done this in thirty minutes. But then again, it is tough to stifle natural talent. Needless to say I was snapped out of my reverie when I heard my husband’s “surprise” when he discovered the new modern look the kids had created to spruce up our abode. The tone of his surprise launched me out of my seat and sent me running for the side door.

Upon looking around and seeing the magic everywhere, I told my kids to head inside and create some space between them and their daddy (a.k.a. run for your life and hide!). Of course I soothed his anger and shock when I suggested that he hold off on cleaning until I snapped a few pictures. Yes that went over quite well (much like lemon juice on a knife wound you receive while reading a breakup letter at the dentist as you have a root canal). But I still got the pics!

At the moment, the kids are still living with us, but they are on lockdown. Although my husband is furious, I think I have convinced him not to sell them to the gypsies (yet…). He has informed the neighbors that a couple of crazy kids vandalized our home, but that those kids were ours.

Even though the kids are seriously in the doghouse, I couldn’t help but smile because it wasn’t the least bit malicious. They literally thought they were making the house pretty. I can’t wait for their children to do this to their homes! I wonder if they will also say “We just wanted to be artists.” And what can be done once it is done? They have received about twenty lectures and we have salvaged as much of the house as we can. The repainting will have to be done another time. Frankly I am pretty proud of myself for staying so chill about the whole thing.

As an added bonus, my mother can finally declare that she received universal payback for the time I covered her hallway with giant black crayon moons. I don’t know why she made such a fuss about it. She was only nine months pregnant and entertaining house guests at the time. “Moons Mommy! Moooooons!!!”

Hope your weekend is full of unexpected color and new memories. I also hope that you have a power washer because you just never know when you are going to need it! 😉

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